Blog Post No. 540
I’ve always had a poor sense of my own feelings and emotions in general. I’m starting my post off this way in an attempt to explain why, when I experience something, I never know if it’s universal or not. Usually, it is, like the feeling of a shower at the end of a long day or that sensation of being in the groove (for me when I’m writing). One feeling I’m sure most people have, is the dread that can settle in the evening (especially right before bed) when you’re stressed or feeling overwhelmed about something. Hopefully, the more upbeat sense that things aren’t so insurmountable that comes in the morning (usually aided by being too busy to worry so much because you have to get to work on time) is also something most people feel.
I distinctly remember most of my high school experience was highlighted by that exact combination of emotions. The sense that I was doomed and in way over my head at night (usually because I didn’t do my homework or didn’t study for a test) and the realization in the morning that I’ll get through the day one way or another, even if I fail the test and have to deal with the consequences.
Thankfully, I got my act together with schooling by the time I was in university, so I didn’t have to go through that roller-coaster ride every night, but the feeling still cropped up during exams (no matter how much I studied) and when other things happened either at the part-time job or wherever. Even now that I’m a full adult with some experience under my belt, every now and then, I get overwhelmed and that sinking feel looms at the end of the day.
Really, the dread is mostly caused by fatigue, but like I say all the time, stress is real. Lately the day job has been especially stressful, to the point where I completely fell off any writing at all for the last few weeks. In the midst of it all, that sensation crept up again and made some nights frustrating and dumb. It got to the point where, while I had time to get some work done, I had no energy and plenty of whatever the opposite of motivation is. (Discouragement? Deterrence? Dinosaur?)
Thankfully, there is a light at the end of the tunnel (I’ve learned there always is) but while I’m starting to feel less wrung-out at work, I’m still really tired by the time I get home. Hopefully all I need is a couple of good nights sleep and maybe a writing session with the Writing Wrenching Crew to get me out of the funk.
The saddest part is that, when I can work up the energy to sit down and write, generally, it tends to make me feel better about the stress and stupidity of the real world. I can’t get that relief if I’m too stressed out to even write. I did manage to get 90% of the new anthology novella written, thought, and the rest of the group has been supportive of my malaise, so they didn’t give me a hard time that I was almost, but not quite finished. I hope I can bang out the last couple of chapters in a sitting or two and then start giving their stories a read so that we can make stronger connections between them all. At least that’s the plan. Before I do that, I might take a nap.
Ben Van Dongen 