In Regards to the Secret Track on Dookie

Blog No. 34

I have to call my doctor’s office today.  (Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, I just have to verify something.)  I don’t think I can though.  I’m working today and even though the call is a legitimately important private call (I’m not just calling a friend or a 1-900 number) I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.  I’m sure I will be able to find some time, the morning looks to be busy but it should thin out in the afternoon, but I probably will have to wait for my next day off to call.  There never seems to be a private enough place at work to make a personal call.

I know it’s my hang-up and it’s a symptom of something larger in my life.  I am a very private person.  I think there could stand to be a little more privacy going around, granted I may take it a little far though.  Personally I don’t see the question “how was your day” as a show of interest; I have always felt it was an invasion of my privacy.  Sure most teenagers don’t like answering that question, but even now I have trouble sharing even that much (though often there really isn’t anything to share).  Don’t even get me started on “where are you going?”  I just like to keep to myself.

I want to point out that I’m not a sad person (though my mother used to liken me Eeyore as a child).  I think I am actually pretty well adjusted; I just really like my privacy.  I enjoy my own company, not that I am anything special (though I think I’m pretty funny) I am just very comfortable alone.  Maybe I have trust issues, but I don’t think so.  Besides, what are trust issues anyway?  Trust is a difficult thing and but we have to dole it out the best we can.

Sure I get lonely sometimes, but usually I don’t even think much about it.  If I didn’t work I could probably go days without interacting with people.  I love hanging out with my friends, I even love hanging out with my family (I know a lot of people who can’t say that), but I will argue that it’s a good thing to be alone and more than that it’s a good thing to be able to be alone.  Some people just can’t do it.  There have been plenty of times where I’ve been sitting alone in a restaurant with the waitress giving me pitying stares.  They don’t understand that I choose to go there alone.

The same thing happens to me when I go to a movie alone.  I love going to the movies alone.  Think about it, there is no real reason to go to the movies with friends unless you talk though it (in which case you are probably not my friend).  I usually ask friends to go with me though.  Don’t know why.  It probably has to do with them being a friend in some way.  I don’t think I should bother getting into that too much.

A university professor of mine used to teach that people are afraid to be alone with themselves.  He would challenge people to sit alone with no stimulus and try to not fidget.  His philosophy is more intense than mine but I think it goes to the same place.  Some times we rely on other too much and they become a hindrance rather than support.  They prevent us from having to face ourselves and possibly grow.  Maybe I’m just jaded, it’s well documented that I’m not a people person.  Maybe I spend too much time alone, I sometimes find it daunting to hang out with other people, but maybe you don’t spend enough time alone.  Either way I’m sure we can work it out – together.

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